um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
