Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
