and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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