Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
