You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
