Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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