I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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