The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
