I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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