Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
