she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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