apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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