if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
