So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
