Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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