my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
wow bdsm is so cute
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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