My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
