They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
