in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
