dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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