Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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