I just pynch a tree in the face
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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