I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
