I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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