Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
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