I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
