This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Duck Duck Cougar?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
