Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
