Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
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