apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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