I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just blew my weed a kiss
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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