2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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