Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
