Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
