Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
