we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
