dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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