that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
