Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You did what with his pubic hair?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
