I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
