4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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