guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
