I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
