Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
