i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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