Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
