Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
