I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
