Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
