I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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