I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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