i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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