I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize