I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sorry my hands just texted you
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
